he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
