yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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