We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
