I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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