Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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