Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
