If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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