i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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