i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Dicks are not precious.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
