there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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