My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
