i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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