Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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