sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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