My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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