I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
