She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
