i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
