Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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