I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
