I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
