just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
