I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
This is classic penis vs brain.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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