then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
