its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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