My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
