Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
