i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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