I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
