I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
