Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
