I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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