Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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