True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
