I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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