nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
