I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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