i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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