Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
