brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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