how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
