Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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