I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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