I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
