His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
