so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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