May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
