quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
