Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
