Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
