I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I smell like Dick and happiness
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
