Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
