She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
