If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
