I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
