We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
