My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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