Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
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