**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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