It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
