Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
