I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
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Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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